Recently, I learned that a fairly accomplished guy, who lives in my area and uses a “higher end” dating app to meet women, runs the same game on every woman he is trying to to talk to. He sends the same message to every one of them: “Do you want to go to dinner this week?” – Any woman reading this line will know that this is a mass message that goes out to dozens of women, if not more. There is no indication that this guy even looked at any profile and showed any interest in who any of those women is. This is a major turn off to any most minimally selective woman, and the only women who will respond to this type of message are the ones who just want a free dinner. This means that by being lazy – by not spending extra few minutes on reading a profile and writing something at least somewhat unique to every woman this guy contacts, he pretty much sets himself for just meeting “dinner whores” and no one else.
My understanding is that this guy went to a top school and has a highly paid, professional job. Thus, he is clearly capable of writing a more compelling message than that generic dinner invite. The fact that he chooses not to put any effort into his messages, or just doesn’t care indicates that he is not looking for anything remotely serious or anything at all.
As a guy, you don’t have to spend half an hour on every message, but taking a few moments to read a woman’s profile, and writing a few sentences that are responsive to what she talks about on her page will make a big difference and will make your message stand out from the rest, especially because most men (and women) don’t do this.
Many guys (and women too) believe that what you write in your first message doesn’t make any difference, and that the only things that matter are pictures and how you like each other when you meet in person. This is only partially true. First, if a woman is turned off by your first message, why would she even want to meet you? Secondly, a more interesting first message will set the stage for a more positive future dynamic between the two of you – online and in person. Wouldn’t you want the woman who you are messaging to, to be intrigued by you and actually want to get to know you, rather than have a “whatever” feeling about you when she meets you? Wouldn’t you want to her to hope that you might be more interesting than all the other guys she has been meeting?
